All my good ideas...

I've had some really good ideas
throughout the years.
I mean tons,
of really, really
good ideas.

It's actually kinda shocking
how many I've had.
Like, it even surprises me.

Literally!
I go back sometimes
and reread from a journal
or something will sparks a memory
and I'll look it up on my blog,
and I'm amazed
at the really good stuff there.

And the coolest thing...
the thing that brings me to tears
to even acknowledge is,

all my good ideas
come from God.

The Creator of all things,
whispers to me.
He shows me pictures
He inspires me.

He takes the broken pieces of my life
and my mind
the confused
the distorted
the unholy,

the sorrowful
the selfish
and the sinful,

and somehow,

He rearranges me,
and makes me
a temple
that He will dwell in.

He not only fills me
(which is so incredible)
He makes me a light on a hill
a light house
on a storm tossed sea.

Those waves scare me sometimes.
At times they hurt me
and mach my stability.

But I am built on a rock
and filled with such radiant light.
I am warmed,
my fears,
subside
and I'm sustained.

I have had some really great ideas
in my life.

But just as the sand that formed the bricks
of the light house,
are due no credit
for the light it emits,
I humbly stand in awe,
at the glory of the Lord.
At His mercy and favor
at His kindness and splendor.

God,
make me a channel of your peace,
change me by your peace.
And help me to be faithful
in bringing you glory,
at letting you shine.

Please don't ever let me be embarrassed
by how completely unable to hide your light,
I am.
Please don't let me
want to.

Your Light is shocking
even to me,
it's shocking to the darkness.
At times I want to hide.
But there you are,
bursting at the seams unable to be contained!

I see you in the children
I hear you in kind words of strangers.
God I need you
and you call me higher
and you grow me deeper
and you somehow
make me whole
and you sustain me.

Thank you
Thank you
Thank you!

The keeper of my heart

Are you ever afraid of being put in a situation

that you have sinned in (many times before)?

I am.

...and “lead me not into temptation”

just fails to fully plead my case.

I have to walk there,

God, come with me.

Let me be more than protected from the desire to sin,

Let me be useful in your plan.

Let me do the good things you desired me to be about,

when you were planning my days,

writing them in your book,

before one of them came to be.

Could I be more important than I feel?

Could I have identity, value, and worth

in your plan,

beyond what my shortsighted expectations anticipate?

My sort-sighted expectations

see me sinning

or trying so hard not to

that I'm distracted and miserable

no fun to be around.

I know Jesus never sinned,

but did he ever want to?

Was it ever hard, not to?

I put a fake smile on the other day.

I wasn't trying to fake it,

well, yes I was,

but I was doing hard stuff,

not physically,

but hard on my pride.

I became aware that my mood was displayed on my face.

And that I may unintentionally harm those around me

by pulling them down.

Or worse,

I may cause them to react to me, in a like manner

(miserably) which I couldn't bare,

so I pushed the sides of my mouth up

in the shape I know forms a smile

(wrestling and grieving still in my heart)

and looked up to find the person I wanted most

to see my smile in front of me.

This is my battle.

God where is the place to run and cry,

yell, sob, and be week

(without causing someone else to stumble)?

My world is so peopled,

my time so accounted for,

there is often no place to steel away to.

God help me.

God help me.

God help me.

I know you will.

But I have to ask,

because the fear and the sadness

are surrounding me right now.

Help me to put to death

the deeds of the flesh

and walk by your Spirit,

for your glory,

and to be a light.

Hold my heart,

heal it

be the keeper of it.

Only you are worthy

only you can help.

And you are able,

my Almighty God,

to do more than I can ask

or imagine.

Amen.