Sunday, August 17, 2014

The keeper of my heart

Are you ever afraid of being put in a situation
that you have sinned in (many times before)?
I am.
...and “lead me not into temptation”
just fails to fully plead my case.

have to walk there,
God, come with me.
Let me be more than protected from the desire to sin,
Let me be useful in your plan.
Let me do the good things you desired me to be about,
when you were planning my days,
writing them in your book,
before one of them came to be.

Could I be more important than I feel?
Could I have identity, value, and worth
in your plan,
beyond what my shortsighted expectations anticipate?
My sort-sighted expectations
see me sinning
or trying so hard not to
that I'm distracted and miserable
no fun to be around.

I know Jesus never sinned,
but did he ever want to?
Was it ever hard, not to?

I put a fake smile on the other day.
I wasn't trying to fake it,
well, yes I was,
but I was doing hard stuff,
not physically,
but hard on my pride.

I became aware that my mood was displayed on my face.
And that I may unintentionally harm those around me
by pulling them down.
Or worse,
I may cause them to react to me, in a like manner
(miserably) which I couldn't bare,
so I pushed the sides of my mouth up
in the shape I know forms a smile
(wrestling and grieving still in my heart)
and looked up to find the person I wanted most
to see my smile in front of me.

This is my battle.
God where is the place to run and cry,
yell, sob, and be week
(without causing someone else to stumble)?

My world is so peopled,
my time so accounted for,
there is often no place to steel away to.

God help me.
God help me.
God help me.

I know you will.
But I have to ask,
because the fear and the sadness
are surrounding me right now.
Help me to put to death
the deeds of the flesh
and walk by your Spirit,
for your glory,
and to be a light.
Hold my heart,
heal it
be the keeper of it.
Only you are worthy
only you can help.

And you are able,
my Almighty God,
to do more than I can ask
or imagine.

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