My ten years ago photo would be so beautiful, 
so thin, no glasses, no grey hair, or scars. 

I thought about all the improvements 
I can see in my friends contrasting photos, 
and tbh, 
I was sad that my improvements would not be visible. 
Don’t get me wrong, 
I’m glad for my friends who look better today. 
But I went on a mental quest to “see” 
the improvements in myself. 

I was surprised at how much had changed 
over the last decade. 
If I could, I would have words of wisdom 
(to help my past self).

Dear (ten years ago)me,
Soak up every moment you get to spend with your children. 
In ten years you will have an empty nest. 
Also, 
one day, you will have time to paint. 
You will have less laundry to do, 
and you will travel. 
Your kids will be great humans! 
They will all take different directions for their future, 
but they will remain kind, 
and loving 
and will each make you proud.

Brace yourself...
you will get cancer, 
but God will help you, 
and you will not die.

You will run into a deer with your motorcycle, 
but God will help you 
and you will not die. 
One of your kids will go to rehab 
(and do the things that lead him there) 
but God will help you 
(and him), 
and he will be better for having gone. 
Two of your kids will move to Colorado, 
but God will help you 
(and them) 
and they will be better for having gone. 
You will change churches. 
At one point, you thought that was wrong, 
but God will lead you 
and help you, 
and you will be so glad!

Be kind to yourself. 
You will gain some weight, 
need glasses, 
and get some grey hair, 
but God will heal you from self loathing 
and teach you grace, 
for self and others. 

You will make new friends. 
Tim will still love you 
and you will still love life. 

You will count yourself rich, 
because of your friendships and family. 

And every hard thing, 
will be a learning experience 
and the doorway to incredible blessings.

Stay close to ABBA, 
he will always keep you in his care 
and deliver you from every fear.

Much love,
Future you

Longing

I want to sit still
and listen;
teach me what is true.
Remove from me
all that stands against
the wisdom of God.
Take away every hindrance
every disabling foe
every corrupting passion.
Father, purify my heart
strengthen my spirit
within me.

Many things tempt and distract
keep me Lord,
Keep me.
Father hold me fast,
and teach me.

She asked: "What does it look like?"
(this thing you long for).
It's the knife being taken out of the sheath,
the instrument from it's case
the book from off the shelf.
I long to be used,
for the purpose I was made.

I (like Paul) want to lay hold of that,
for which Christ Jesus took hold of me.
I crave this.
The stifled longing makes my heart ache.
"I teeter between ambivalence and trusting God's timing."
The former seems less painful (to be honest)
but the later, is called faith.
Does faith hurt?
When hope flickers
at the winds of time,
yes.
But when I lean in,
and hear the voice of my beloved,
I can wait.
I'm refreshed.
So I lean.
Come Lord.
Refresh my soul
speak to me.

Fear not for I am with you
where ever you go.
I will guide you
and help you with my righteous right hand.

Put your fears to rest in the sea of my provision.

I longed to sit in your presence.
Thank you for steeling me away
to a quiet place
to be alone with you.

Don't be frightened in any way by those who oppose you.
This is a sign to them that they will be destroyed,
but that you will be saved
and that by God.
For it has been granted to you on be half of Christ
not only to believe on him,
but also to suffer for him.

Art, teaching, writing, praying, helping, crying, and worshiping
are the salve to heal
both you, and others.