Will you dive in?

Will you dive in?

Fully identify yourself with Christ,

be “All in!”

in the game.

Fear makes me want to put my toe in

(not dive).

Fear can go in a little

and still change it's mind.

But when I dive, I'm all in!

There's no mid-air game changers.

It's done.

I dealt with fear at the shore,

and I won!

Nothing holds me back now.

God asked me if I’d dive in.

I thought I’d been swimming for so many years

I couldn't possibly be held back by fear,

Yet there it was.

What if I fail?

Could my pride handle the shame?

Maybe not,

but my true self is tenacious,

and hates being motivated by fear.

My true self dives in!

Fear be damned!

I'm all in.

2 areas of bondage I can see clearly in my life.

Both are generational sins

I have been steeped in

since my earliest memories.

Both color my personality

making me attractive to the world.

Both have such a strong hold on me,

only by the power of God

will I ever hope to be set free.

Worse,

no one roots for me to be set free,

except my Savior.

I long for that covering of kindness

Noah's son had,

who walked in backward and covered his father's shame.

I long for the covering of protection

of the lambs blood over the door post

when the angel of death passed by.

The covering God first made tenderly in the garden

to hide Adam and Eve's nakedness.

Oh God, I want to be all in.

No shadow of turning with thee.

You said you would never leave me

or forsake me,

How could I love you with half my heart

and turn to adore sin as well?

Fear comforts me with a different covering.

It says:

“Hide here, 

if you are seen for who you really are, 

they will reject you”.

There it is!

The weapon

that has been used to harm me for years.

Rejection.

When my dad left my family at 10,

I was rejected,

I followed and lived with him for years.

I tried to live with my Mom at 14

but when I felt my fathers pain and wanted to return to him,

my mother left the house and pushed me away (rejection again).

At 16 my dad kicked me out of the house for good.

This weapon

“rejection”

has been sharpened through years of suffering

and used against me at every thought of gaining help for my escape.

The bondage held over my head maybe from a defeated foe

but at the thought of being exposed

and turned away,

I willingly give my freedom back.

Even as I'm invited by the Lord to go all in,

I wonder if the bravery that has served me so well in life,

will fail me now.

Will I take myself out

of all my resolve

and rationalize my sin

and bondage

bow my head and silently

go back to my cell?

And I don't even know the way out.

Only a dim light off in the distance

that bids me to “confess my sin”

that I may be set free.

I confess often enough

but this continues to say “one to another”

so the truth is that:

God never means for us to go at this

“faith thing”

alone.

With mentors who are long sense dead,

being insufficient,

to the disappointment of my pride,

and fear of my flesh.

Oh God help me.

Is there no other way?..

Yes,

of coarse there is another way.

The scars from

years of bondage

have left their mark on my soul.

Yes, I can go at it alone.

Letting few in (to see the core of my pain).

Telling few of my fears,

and not often.

Years pass as my flesh wars against my spirit

both growing,

both using their tools well.

I walk with a limp (my pastor said)

as one marked by pain.

It was the abuse of my past,

the abuse of my present,

the grief for my sin

and the failings of my present.

The sorrow I cause the Lord

the sorrow I see in others

it's all I have been forgiven for

and for all I still do (that needs forgiveness)

it's for all that still wounds me

and all that grieves the heart of God.

I don't wonder why I cry,

I wonder why others don't.

There are tears in His presence.

They repent.

They are right and good for the soul.

One day (I know)

He will wipe away my last tears.

He has seen all the others

and sat near me in my times of sadness.

Just one more reason, I love Him so.

So when I hear:

“Will you dive in?”

How can I say

“No”?