If Left To Myself

If left to myself
I'd sit in the quiet for a bit.

I love quiet.

I'd check my messages,
and be captivated by some video's charm,
Then, (suddenly)

I'd look up
and find far too many minutes had passed.

If left to myself,

I would allow cravings
to guide me
Food, shopping, alcohol, entertainment, art...

As I made the list
there was both conviction
and also freedom,
with the knowledge that none of these items are sin
(in and of themselves).

But if left to myself,

I have very little restraint
when it comes to feeding my cravings.

In fact, 

my only restraint comes from a surprising place.
It's not out of a fear
of reprisal or punishment.
My greatest self control
comes from the freedom given me
to choose.

And I already choose... 

God's love.

The love of God 

(so) compels me,
by His generous gifts
of grace,
and mercy,
and forgiveness,
that the thought of grieving
the heart of this
All loving, and sacrificing,
All patient, all cleansing,
All compassionate, all powerful,
Almighty, God,

melts me.

Left to myself,
I know I would ruin it all!

But I have surrendered
my everything
to that All loving God,
and in turn,
his benefits wrap around me,
and give me greater pleasures
than my flesh can dream of.

My sight is filled
with wonder and awe,
as I sit (eyes closed)
tears welling up behind my lids,
in the presence of God.

He actually doesn't leave me
to myself.
He promised me,
he would never leave me
or forsake me.

Yes,

he makes that promise to everyone,
but He made that promise to me.

To me!

I have been set free from fear,
because he said he'd help me.
he'd never leave me.

Jesus said he wouldn't lose any
who had been given to him.
He won't lose me.

I will be made perfect.
God said he would finish what he started in me.
When I don't know
if I have what it will take 

to get to the end,

I remember:
I'm His.

If I lose everything,
this earth dangles in front of me 

(as a treasure),
I have lost nothing,

because God said,

I have stored up my treasure 

in Heaven.

If left to myself,

my only hope is a brief guilty pleasure,
and the consequences of sin (death).

But thanks and praise be to God,
who delivers me 

(through Jesus Christ our Lord).
So then, I myself in my mind
am a slave to God's law,
but in my sinful nature
a slave to the law of sin.

Maybe that's why Christ
by his sacrifice condemns sin.
(I don't get how he can isolate sin),
that is in me,
and pass judgment 

(condemnation),
on the sin,

but not on me, somehow,
he condemns the sin,
and sanctifies me.

Like a surgeon who goes inside,
and finds death,
and cuts it out,
and goes down deeper,
and find wounds,
and corruption,
and generational weakness,
and harbored bitterness
and unhealed deep injuries,
and does his unknowable searching,
and then brings healing and forgiveness,
and regenerates new life,
and gives new abilities and strengths,
and wisdom and power.

All, by this Almighty God.

So when fear whispers:
"I could ruin it all!"

God's promise (to me) reminds me,
"I will never leave you or forsake you"
"I will help you"
"I will finish what I started in you."

And I find peace,
and more,
I'm carried to a place,

where I am sitting at the side of God,
sometimes I'm on the floor at his feet
sometimes I'm sitting on the fathers lap
(with my head on his chest)

And somehow I'm still here,
and I feel the tears streaming down
and feel his loving presence
(filling and showering over me)

in light
and wrapped all around me.

If left to myself,

God is with me.

Shalom.

c. Kim Damon 2/24/22