2022 was hard.

 2022 was hard.

As I look back,

this was not my hardest year,

but so many hard things happened,

I owe it to myself to say

this was hard

I don't mean to complain.

I actually am not fond of complaining,

not from others,

not from self.

Still,

how do you know

how miraculous the sustaining,

how do you know how costly the rescue,

if you do not know how difficult 

the preceding events?

When I had my presbytery,

it was so glorious,

so so encouraging and uplifting,

I thought it was imperative that I explain

the context,

the need for these words.

The prophets gave me medicine 

by their visions and scriptures,

and I had been struggling in silence.

So I shared about the spinal cord tumor,

and the clumsy, painful weakness 

that preceded their words.

I found myself surrounded by my loving church family;

prayed for by so many.

I was humbled by gifts and cards 

and words of encouragement

as well as the Lord

(daily)

giving me strength for each moment.

and words,

for each frustrating new limitation.

and then meds 

which clouded my mind a bit 

but managed the pain.

And then my dad died.

And then my dog died.

And it was hard.

So I said to God:

"You gave me those comforts to sooth my soul,

I need you to comfort me by your own hand now"

And of coarse God,

being God,

did.

So in answer to hard,

God increased his personal help to me.

And then I had a month of breathing trouble.

If I say it was easier not to inhale,

and that I rested in the peace of surrender 

with each breath,

that would describe the (yet undiagnosed)

sarcoidosis that had swelled the lymph nodes in my lungs.

And God helped me more.

He helped me to be at peace (again) with dyeing.

I am as ok about being here 

as I am about being with the Lord in Heaven.

which only sounds dark,

if you have not wrestled with mortality,

and been healed from fear.

OK, 2022 was hard.

But it was also full of love.

I said to the Lord 

(I'm sorry to admit)

"If I had no self love,

I'd have no love at all!"

Then the Lord showed me in a thousand ways

(after immediately saying sorry)

Just how much love he has showered over me

through humans.

I think that's my problem with complaining,

when you state the negative thought in your head,

you rob yourself (and others)

of seeing all the miraculous things 

that buffet us and buoy us up 

in the sea of our trial.

When teaching a class once

the Lord spoke words out of my mouth that I love.

"I am not a victim,

I am an object of Christ's affection".

And that is what I choose to focus on.

and by this, my mind and heart are guarded

by Christ.

As I look to 2023,

I just want to do better.

I have no grand goals.

Just (please Lord)

help me do better.

My weaknesses are more clear to me now than ever.

I think when we are physically weak,

we are less emotionally patient.

And I don't like the words I ear myself speak,

or the judgments I mentally make,

or the conversations of mean things 

my mind says:

"I should have said."

Oh God,

clean the inside of this vessel.

And fill me with more of You.

It was after you had been beaten

and after you had been spit upon and mauked

it was after you had been betrayed and slandered

that You said:

"Father forgive them,

they know not what they do."

I want to be like Christ

(unoffendable)

I want to be better at remaining silent

until I have the words of the Father.

I want to be better at laying my life down for my friends,

better at washing feet,

better at being humble

and submissive and kind 

in word 

and deed 

and thought,

in 2023

Forgive me, I was asleep at the wheel. [and other terrifying excuses]

 Forgive me, I was asleep at the wheel.

[and other terrifying excuses]

Like,

I'm sorry, I have cancer brain.

honestly, I don't play the cancer card very often

and being asleep at the wheel would mean I crashed my car.

I have actually fallen asleep at the wheel before

but thank goodness,

woke right up!

I've heard "I had a senior moment",

and that's more accurate,

but I'm only 54

so I don't really think of myself as a senior.

There are more young folks in my friend group than ever before,

but I just thought that meant I was hip

(I am immediately aware this word dates me).

I did so love the 90's,

but I wouldn't go back if you paid me!

It's not that there weren't a few moments

I wish I had done better,

but God's grace helps me forgive myself,

and I try to apologize to the humans involved

if it seems important for their (or my) healing.

Sorry I digress,

When the bottom of the To-do list,

grows faster than the top is accomplished,

it would be easy for a few things

to drop through the cracks of the day.

I think that's what actually happened

the day I didn't do the thing, I said I'd do.

This does happen more now

than in past years,

or maybe I have forgotten

about all the times it happened before.

At any rate,

I have found the best way to make up for my failings,

is to repent, and try to make amends.

It's actually important (to me)

to keep my word,

so

"better late than never" if I'm honest that is plan B,

sounds contrite and

I'd rather be on time, but if not,

I will humbly show up late

and bring flowers.

And this,

is my preverbial bouquet.