I like to shop on my phone

 I like to shop on my phone

I like to have a glass of bourbon 

at night to relax.

I love to drink diet energy drinks.

And I’d like to spend all day

Everyday

Making art.

These are things I crave,

Things that take my time,

And things that are mostly 

Not healthy for me

And have nothing to do with heaven.

Ok, well the art thing is almost exclusively 

For charity right now,

To help the homeless, indigenous,

And those in Ghana

But I don’t have good balance.

So even my best, can be broken.

If I had my way,

These things would (selfishly)

be all that I am.

[that’s messed up]

Those things are not sin,

They are not my enemies,

They are not the devil.

But if I let them,

They would consume me.

I also love (and long for)

quiet

I love to listen to God

And write what I hear.

I love to sit with friends 

And give them comfort and guidance.

I love to teach,

I love to worship in song,

I love to cry prayers for those who are hurting.

I also love to have tears overtake me in the presence of the Lord. 

It’s cleansing.

It’s humbling.

And if you see it,

Know, God is near me

and I feel him.

I love to talk about God.

And how he helps me.

He helps me so much.

I would not be alive if he did not.

Also, 

God is my favorite.

This invisible 

(all sustaining)

(All powerful)

(All knowing)

One,

is my air 

and my heartbeat 

and my joy 

and my tears 

and my peace 

and the best parts of me.

And for him,

I wish to do better.

I don’t deserve this life,

my family and friends.

And I could (as easily)

Been born on the streets,

Or in a war torn place,

Or to a drug addict.

But he put me here,

And lavished his goodness on me,

And I don’t want to take for granted 

the gifts he’s given 

or be ruled by my passions.

I want to serve him.

And live worthy of my calling.

I am a child of the living God.

I do not need 50 watches, 

or 30 pairs of (really cool) shoes.

God, forgive me.

Help me give more.

Serve more.

Love more.

Obey faster,

All the days you lend me breath.

Amen

My ten years ago photo would be so beautiful, 
so thin, no glasses, no grey hair, or scars. 

I thought about all the improvements 
I can see in my friends contrasting photos, 
and tbh, 
I was sad that my improvements would not be visible. 
Don’t get me wrong, 
I’m glad for my friends who look better today. 
But I went on a mental quest to “see” 
the improvements in myself. 

I was surprised at how much had changed 
over the last decade. 
If I could, I would have words of wisdom 
(to help my past self).

Dear (ten years ago)me,
Soak up every moment you get to spend with your children. 
In ten years you will have an empty nest. 
Also, 
one day, you will have time to paint. 
You will have less laundry to do, 
and you will travel. 
Your kids will be great humans! 
They will all take different directions for their future, 
but they will remain kind, 
and loving 
and will each make you proud.

Brace yourself...
you will get cancer, 
but God will help you, 
and you will not die.

You will run into a deer with your motorcycle, 
but God will help you 
and you will not die. 
One of your kids will go to rehab 
(and do the things that lead him there) 
but God will help you 
(and him), 
and he will be better for having gone. 
Two of your kids will move to Colorado, 
but God will help you 
(and them) 
and they will be better for having gone. 
You will change churches. 
At one point, you thought that was wrong, 
but God will lead you 
and help you, 
and you will be so glad!

Be kind to yourself. 
You will gain some weight, 
need glasses, 
and get some grey hair, 
but God will heal you from self loathing 
and teach you grace, 
for self and others. 

You will make new friends. 
Tim will still love you 
and you will still love life. 

You will count yourself rich, 
because of your friendships and family. 

And every hard thing, 
will be a learning experience 
and the doorway to incredible blessings.

Stay close to ABBA, 
he will always keep you in his care 
and deliver you from every fear.

Much love,
Future you

Longing

I want to sit still
and listen;
teach me what is true.
Remove from me
all that stands against
the wisdom of God.
Take away every hindrance
every disabling foe
every corrupting passion.
Father, purify my heart
strengthen my spirit
within me.

Many things tempt and distract
keep me Lord,
Keep me.
Father hold me fast,
and teach me.

She asked: "What does it look like?"
(this thing you long for).
It's the knife being taken out of the sheath,
the instrument from it's case
the book from off the shelf.
I long to be used,
for the purpose I was made.

I (like Paul) want to lay hold of that,
for which Christ Jesus took hold of me.
I crave this.
The stifled longing makes my heart ache.
"I teeter between ambivalence and trusting God's timing."
The former seems less painful (to be honest)
but the later, is called faith.
Does faith hurt?
When hope flickers
at the winds of time,
yes.
But when I lean in,
and hear the voice of my beloved,
I can wait.
I'm refreshed.
So I lean.
Come Lord.
Refresh my soul
speak to me.

Fear not for I am with you
where ever you go.
I will guide you
and help you with my righteous right hand.

Put your fears to rest in the sea of my provision.

I longed to sit in your presence.
Thank you for steeling me away
to a quiet place
to be alone with you.

Don't be frightened in any way by those who oppose you.
This is a sign to them that they will be destroyed,
but that you will be saved
and that by God.
For it has been granted to you on be half of Christ
not only to believe on him,
but also to suffer for him.

Art, teaching, writing, praying, helping, crying, and worshiping
are the salve to heal
both you, and others.

How could He be so kind

Oh Lord,
You have assigned me
my portion.
tears...
if I could have picked the life
you have given me,
hope and faith
would have made me dream
smaller.

It is too lavish, too precious,
too wonderful for me,
to have dreamed this life;
and yet,
as a matter of course,
You declared my life,
would be mine.

All the love
in my marriage,
my children,
my friendships,
all the miracles
of your grace
and the abundance
of your mercy,
all your patience
with which you have displayed your divine guidance
all your steadfast love
and rescuing power
exerted on my behalf.

Father, how could you be so kind?
I never have had a need,
that your provision has ignored.
I never have had a longing,
that your love has not quenched
and when I fail you,
still, your love is there.

There,
to help me fix what I've broken.
There,
to forgive,
rescue,
guide,
council
and cleanse,
there,
to forgive.

Waiting to forgive.

God, You have assigned me my portion,
"thank you" is too small,
words fail.
Humbled by your kindness to me.

And my cup.
Like some exotic elixir
who's recipe is unsearchable
the delights and sorrows
the abilities and trials
the impossibilities and miracles,
you have mixed into my cup,
and all for my good.

I am made strong by your wisdom,
with my every weakness met
and covered by your power.
My every enemy,
given boundaries
and slain
by the blood of the Lamb.

All this because I am yours.
All, without my earning or striving
somehow to attain,
You have made my lot secure.

Though battles rage for my peace
though a thief (at times) robs my joy
though my strength may fail,
You have made my lot secure
and lay your hand upon me
and call me your own.

The boundary lines have fall for me
in pleasant places.
In truth (at times) I wander
allured by the delusion of greener grass,
but unsatisfying counterfeits await
and compel my return to you.
As a loving Father,
you call my name
you bind my wounds
you heal my heart
and give me wisdom for folly
beauty for ashes
steadfast love for betrayal.

Father,
were I to quit my wandering eye,
the depth of pleasure
the height of contentment
attended by daily promises
of joy unquenchable
and unending bliss
are all contained
inside the boundary lines
you have drawn for me.

and surely,
I have a delightful inheritance.
The promise of eternity,
with the Creator and Lover of my soul
is my soul's rest,
reward,
and victory.

Oh God,
thank you.

As the deer pants for water

You are the source of my best craving,
my purest hope,
my greatest longing.
You define peace and joy
in your embrace.

By your favor,
I have known freedom.
By your love,
I have known security.

Things that distract me
have come and robbed me of clarity and vision,
Then you come and call me back.
You always rescue
and call me back.

Your love is steadfast
strong and true.
Always lifting, forgiving,
purifying and strengthening me.

I'm so unworthy and so gratful
for your love.

As the deer pants for streams of water,
So my soul pants for you, O God.

You are the source of my best craving,
my purest hope
my greatest longing.

When you come to me
I am whole.
In your will, I am free.
In your presence,
is joy unspeakable.

light of your glory,
  sounds of your love,
    lifting of your pleasure,
      tastes of your joy

All earthly pleasures
only a pale imitation of divine enjoyment.
The goodness of God,
to be savored for all eternity,
only sampled now,
more awaits us than our earthly frame could survive.

Deep calls to deep 
in the roar of your waterfalls;
All your waves and breakers have swept over me.
By day the Lord directs his love,
at night his song is with me-a prayer to the God of my life.

You O God
are the source of my hearts longing
the strength of my soul,
the best good I have ever hoped for
or imagined
And my heart's compass
directs me (always) to you.

A Good Friday Reflection From Isaiah 53

He had no beauty or majesty to attract us to him, 
nothing in his appearance that we should desire him...
I pictured walking by, not being attracted to him,
but his eyes captured me.
I was filled with love,
inescapable, arresting, love.
I couldn’t take my eyes off Him.
I longed to live in those loving eyes.
Is this why they blindfolded you when they beat you?
Could they not bare to look into those eyes?
Like one from whom men hide their faces...
They just couldn’t bare to behold your deep,
deep love.
I paused and couldn’t walk by.
All time stopped, all else in life disappeared,
It was just you
and the eternity of creative,
redeeming,
rescuing,
protective,
compelling,
love.
I longed for it.
It called to me.
I found it all in the gaze of your loving eyes.
All life was wrapped up in this moment,
Please, may I stay, I thought.
Then I realized it was you who stopped my motion,
you stood still capturing me,
longing to stay with me,
and share the moment.
You were not on your way somewhere else,
you had been waiting,
watching,
calling me,
all with this look,
all in your eyes,
the window to your loving soul.
Surely you took up my infirmities,
And carried my sorrows.
You were pierced for my transgressions,
and crushed for my iniquities,
I want to pour salve on your wounds
And weep at your feet.
Thank you my champion,
My Hero,
My King,
I was unable,
you accomplished, what I could not.
I was a failure,
But you qualified me.
Thank you my hero,
My King.
I was an orphan,
You adopted me and put me in a family.
You were punished to bring me peace,
You were wounded that I might be healed.
I was lost like a sheep,
and had gone astray.
Yet, you like a lamb were silent
and led to slaughter.
by this oppression and judgment,
I was set free.
My light of life,
You have made me righteous
And justified many
You poured out your life
unto death,
To give me life.
The reality of this love,
is clearly seen,
as I look into your eyes.
I worship you my Champion and King

His Ways vs My Ways

I know,
I'm prone to doing things
my way,
and on my own.
I'm also prone to thinking I'm right,
But,
I also know,
I'm happier and things are better,
if I do things as God directs.

And I know His ways are higher than my ways,
and His thoughts are wiser than my thoughts.

So I surrender,
actively,
attentively,
obediently,
(full of trust)
I surrender.

I don't abandon, will;
I allow the attraction of Your will, Abba
to compel my direction.

Just as a right angle will always (naturally)
go right,
my frame may dictate my natural ways,
but as I surrender
(to the One who intentionally
and carefully crafted me
for His purposes)
my orientation is changed
and I have no limitations.

When I rest in His hands,
I'm at peace,
full of joy,
and feel God's favor.
I rejoice in my Maker's joy and purpose,
and I rest.
Moving by the rhythm of His heart,
captivated by the beauty of His glorious love,
and I am free.