Waiting, loving, being hopeful

As I drink my coffee
and glance at the clock
I realize it took 15 minutes
to make one cup
of my morning elixir.
Not a pot,
just one cup.
The Keurig is dying
and I stand at it's side brewing 2 ounces at a time
4 times
I'm being patient and babying a faulty machine.

It occurred to me
how willing I am to wait
for a full cup of coffee
that I will sit with and enjoy
during my morning quiet
and how impatient I can be
with God
over the things and people
I have committed to Him.

His timing is perfect.
His gifts
worth the wait.
His promises are true
and delightful
"good to the last drop".

Sometimes
I'm worse than impatient with God
Sometimes
I become ambivalent
I pull back my heart
and become cold
not caring about
what I long for.
"To hell with it!"
I think when anger takes over
convicted that
"it" is really "them"
whom I adore.

Hope hurts.
Love hurts.
Being vulnerable hurts.
Ambivalence
brings a "deceitful" relief.
Yet,
even to write that,
I had to cross out "refreshing".
that's the lie,
the lure,
the temptation,
that I would somehow
be refreshed
and it would hurt less
if I didn't care.
Just lower the bar
and hope for less.

"Don't wear your heart on your sleeve!"
I heard this even as a girl.
"Soft hearts get hurt!"

I imagine if Jesus loved me less,
He may not suffer as much
(when I fail Him.)
A little less love for Peter
and his denial may have stung less.
If Jesus loved His mother and brothers less,
their thinking He was insane
(to go with out food)
may have hurt less.
Less love for Lazarus
may have saved His tears
as His heart broke
with those who mourned.

Yes,
loving less
may save so much pain.
Yet,
ambivalence
seems such a deceitful remedy.
"To hell with them"
was never Jesus response.
"Father, forgive them,
they know not what they do"
was His prayer.
Teaching us to consider the One who suffered
at the hands of sinful men,
so we would not grow weary
and lose heart.

I like that picture of Jesus
wearing His heart on His sleeve
I imagine all touched by Him
knew they were loved.
But how vulnerable
and exposed one would be.
Even Jesus
"knowing what was in the heart of a man"
did not give himself fully to His disciples.

So Father,
teach me this measure of protection
this holding back
to the degree you desire.
You hold the most holy affection of my heart
and shield me
to the measure you desire.

Help me to remain hopeful
even when I see no answer coming soon.
Help me to trust you
more than my
imperfect salvation barometer.

Surely you will keep
all I have committed to you.
and bring about your perfect will
in your perfect timing
surely
all your plans are worth waiting for
and surely
all my waiting moment
are in your hands.

All the resources of Heaven
available for me now
for my grieving moments
for my peace and hope
to believe
beyond what I see.

Lord if my willingly being hurt
by staying hopeful and full of love
is your way
this is a small gift
and like my crown in heaven
I lay it at your feet
in surrender and worship
for Your great love,
mercy,
patience,
and grace
poured out so abundantly on me.
I surrender all,
even my tears
and my vow
to love
as you love
with out condition or impatience.

Help me Lord
Help me Holy Spirit
Help me Father.

Your heart is an open book for all to read.
Some may come to the pages and feel convicted
slamming it shut
others may come with wounds so deep
they will fear the suave
and walk away.
Others will stay,
pull up a chair
and sit a while.
Enjoying the story.
Enjoying the melodious words.
Each a brush stroke written by love
Rest always,
I the Author and finisher of your faith
am near.

It will help you endure the rejection.
It's Me they despise and fear,
you are caught in the crossfire at times.
but there's no better place
to intercede from
than the battle field
with those you love.
Moses did this for the Israelites,
Ester did this for the Jews,
Jesus did this for the sinners
He ate lunch with
to the dismay of the self-righteous.
Walk where I lead you
and don't fear judgment
Only my judgments matter
in the grand scheme of things.
Rest
Your story
brings Me glory.

c Kim Damon 2013

Who am I?

Who am I?
the words popped into my head
one Monday morning.
It started me thinking about my identity.

Do you ever think about who you are?
Try it.
Like now...

Am I
what I do
like my job
or my title?
Am I
how I look
or what I say?
Am I who others see?
Am I
the best me
the one I hope to become
or the worst me
all the times I've failed?
I really hope that's not me.

Half the day passed
pondering this
till I read:
“But who do you say I am?”
Jesus was asking His disciples.
The words jumped off the page,
and into my heart.
It wasn't the answer,
but it was a crucial part of the answer.

I cant (after all) know who I am
apart from knowing
who Christ is
and how He sees me.
Well, I could...
but I don't want to.
Many people (sadly)
have an identity
apart from Christ.

But I have been made new.
I bare His Name.
I am adopted
and grafted into
something much bigger than I.
Something
or rather Someone
who changes everything
about me.

When I think about who
God is
and then I look at myself
in the light of His love,
I cant help but feel valuable.
I have value
and my life
has meaning
and I have
an identity
based on the One
who formed me
rescued me
pursued me
fills me
guides me
guards me
and helps me.

In His eyes
I see reflected
my best me.
Some may see
my worst me
and in truth,
I see that too
but the One who knows me best
loves me most
and I am spotless
in His sight.

Can I just say
"in His sight"
are some of my favorite words in the Bible
Just let them linger for a moment in your mind.
"In His sight"
You see,
I'm precious
in His sight
spotless
in His sight
holy
in His sight.
This is for sure
the best me,
but more than that,
it's the true me.
May I always be found
displaying all that Christ sees in me
all that Abba created me to be
all that He sees
when He looks at me.
Even the fact that He looks at me
is amazing
I'm humbled
and healed
I'm broken
and made new
all that the world
destroyed in me
all that I fall short of becoming
God has made completely new
and when He looks at me
He must see
all those things
He thought were good
when He made me.
I love to think about that
to imagine what
He just loves
about me.
In fact,
when I read the gospels
and watch Christ
I am transformed
into His likeness...
The way He
taught love
and lived love
the way He was
wise
humble
patient and kind
surprisingly sensitive
indescribably forgiving
and unquestionably compassionate.
His personality was so
unsettling
so out of the box
so different from anyone
every before
Yet, He was known by His sheep
His words were life and breath
for all who were being called
Still His words
live and breath
and heal and guide.
Still He lives and changes lives
Still He heals and whispers words of love
to the broken
grieving
and humble.

Oh Father,
let me be just like Jesus
in every good wise and loving way
Help me point others
to your all powerful
life changing
love.
That's my best self.
Wrapped up in you
found hidden in you
bond to you
yoked with you
one with you
Just as Jesus
asked.
Thank you for all that you see
when you look at me.

c Kim Damon 2013

All the words

Sometimes I fear
I'll wake one morning
to find I've used all the words.

That there will be
nothing new to write,
nothing fresh and inspiring.
That I will have
delved the depths of God
and life
and I'll be found
with no more revelations.

Then I remember,
This is God
we're talking about
and I can never get to the end
of all there is to know about Him.
Not in a lifetime of study.
In fact,
eternity to spend with God
will not leave me
board and uninspired
on the topic of my beloved Lord.

For the more I know
the more I love
the more I long to know
and long to wrap up in His love.
There is no end to the longing for more
not on Earth anyway
Yet,
one day,
when faith is swallowed up by sight,
Oh what delights
await our soul
and an eternity
was created
to revel in His love.

Wow...

I can feel my bare feet
cool on the streets of gold
My hand smooth
on a gate of pearl.
Delighting in the warmth of
the sun on my face,
only to open my eyes
and find the Lord in front of me,
taking my hand and
walking with me
to the crystal sea.
Sights so delicious
new words will have to be created
to fully describe the beauty
and splendor.
Complete joy and rest,
total security and love,
beauty in every direction,
glory as far as the eyes can see.

On earth when I feel your glory
I don't want to move,
for fear it will vanish.
I don't want to breath,
for fear you will move away
and the feeling will be swallowed up
by this world.

In Heaven,
One day
I will have all days,
all time,
all with you,
never ending.
Oh, God
do not terry!
Teach me to hasten that day.
Oh that beautiful first day,
the beginning of all days
spent with you.

Give me the beautiful feet
that bring good news.
Give me the precious words
that speak of our forever time,
and our loving Lord,
who stepped off His throne
to be one of us,
to feel our pain,
to face our temptations,
to die our death,
and pay our debt.

Oh Jesus,
words are too small
and too few
to capture your glory and love.
yet how much more glorious
that you allow our language
to utter Your name,
to tell of your power and love
poured out to save our souls.
How glorious
You choose earthen vessels
to pour Your Spirit into.

Praise you Lord of all!
Praise, honor and glory
to you Endless God
all powerful Lord of all

c Kim Damon 2013

The saddest thought

Father
this morning I feel distant from you.
My unchanging God,
Who's love never fails,
I know any separation
must be caused
by me
and my sinful choices.

God I grieve the way I'm so easily
distracted.
So easily reactive
to this world
rather than intentional
in godliness.
I don't want to miss
a moment with you.
I don't want to miss
Your will.

Father, protect me from my weaknesses.
Cover me with Your strength.
Foil the enemy's plans for me.
Foil any foolish plan of my own.
God, guard my heart and mind,
They are Yours,
bought at so high a price.

Yet You set me free.
Father, I am Your bond servant.
Please don't let me wander.
Protect me from the tempters snare.
Protect me from foolish choices.
Protect me from others sin.

God I am Yours.
Have mercy on me and hold me fast.

I feel so high maintenance
so insecure and needy at times.
Thank You for Your patience.
Thank You for Your power.
Thank You for Your love.
All my choices I give to You.
God go before me
and over rule
any thought that leads me away.

Father, I don't want a moment 
outside of Your will.
I don't ever want to sin.

The saddest thought
occurs to me...

Apart from Heaven
this cannot be.

And my sin only points more
to Your patience
and grace filled mercy
and love.

.weeping.

The thought that I
can't not sin,
is so sad...
Perfection is on my own
not attainable.
Impossible,
were it not for Christ,
to be continually
in Your will.

So Lord Jesus,
cover me,
wash me,
keep me,
wrap me up,
hem me in,
pick me up,
graft me in,
and as often as I stumble,
help me up,
brush me off,
and make me wise.
I love You Lord.

You have all you need
for life and godliness,
when you abide in Christ
and His Words abide in you:
The Fathers protection,
The Spirits filling,
The covering of Christ.

Rest in the knowledge
of your security
and provision in Christ
and the Holy Trinity.

So much safety in this truth.
Thank You Father,
my protective Abba.
Thank You Holy Spirit,
my Companion and Guide.
Thank you Christ,
my Savior
my Hero
and dearest Friend.

c. Kim Damon 2013

God's gonna trouble the waters

God's gonna trouble the waters
I heard this...
Then, Lord,
make me wise.
"Trouble" away!
But make me discerning.
Waters rage!
But God,
give me peace.
God,
do what you're gonna do,
but help me testify,
of your faithfullness.
And jump in without fear!
Tenacious for your will!
Passionate for your purposes!
Troubles come
and troubles go
but You never change
You are always good.
Your ways
are always wise.

God's gonna trouble the waters
might be a warning
but I'm excited!
Because I know I'm loved
I pray for all those I love
who don't trust you yet.
God they may be scared.
God they may suffer.
God they may stress.
Help me Father.
Let me speak your Words.
Help me Father,
to give reason for my hope.
Enable me Lord,
to testify boldly of your love.
Keep my focus on you, Lord
that I will not fear.
Hold me fast Lord
else I be swept away
by doubt.

God's gonna trouble the waters!
God help us!
God save us!
God deliver us!
I wanna hold on for the ride,
compassionate
but excited
for the things God will do!

Like the stirring of the waters at Siloam
I'm stepp'n in
hoping to be healed.
Like the waters of the Red Sea
I'm stepp'n in
following you for deliverance.

This water may take many forms
but all look of the same
scary
impossible
insurmountable obstacles
and all display your loving kindness
poured out
on behalf of your chosen.

God's gonna trouble the waters!

c Kim Damon 2013

How can this be true?

Father,
Faithful forever friend,
All powerful
Majestic God,
Creator of all things,
Your Word
echoes in the mountains
and shapes my life.
Your glory glistens
on the mighty waters
and stills
my raging heart.
All things are held together
by Your power,
yet,
You speak my name.

Holy One,
how can this be true?
Mighty One,
how can this be?

You lift me to the highest heights,
so I can be with You.
Yet, when I stumble,
You cushion my fall.
And I rest
in the power
of Your love.

Life buffets me
like waves against the shore,
yet you are constant,
steady,
immoveable and true.
Doubts
beat against me
everyday.
Yet,
You hold me fast,
secure in Your Truth.

Your love shines in the darkness
like a city on a hill.
Your love is a safe house
to the wanderer
a shelter from the storm.

Father,
Mighty One,
Holy and True,
I am unworthy
to bare Your Name,
Yet You use me
in Your plan.

Your grace has
been my life and breath
And you shine
Your Glory
for all to see
reflecting your love
even in me.
How can this be?

Father,
I am broken,
yet made new;
sullied,
yet, washed in your love;
sinful,
yet, set apart for You.

How can this be true?
Father,
how can this be?

Better than the best
I have ever been given
is Your mercy and love.
Perfect and true
is Your Word,
yet,
You speak to me.

Broken,
sullied,
and sinful
made new,
washed,
and holy.
All by the power
of Your love.

I am Yours.

You praise
the generation who seek you,
who seek your face,
oh God of Jacob.

Yet, how can I come
to Your mighty throne?
How can I stand
in Your presence
to seek Your face?

Only by Your love
would I survive,
Only by Your beckoning,
dare I come.

The renown of Your kindness
stills my fears.
The glory of your majesty
shines for all to see,
and I come.
I seek Your face.

Fears and distractions
be dammed!
I come.
You are the only
True Word
Your beauty
surpasses them all!
You have life and breath
in Your love.

I am Yours.