Waiting, loving, being hopeful

As I drink my coffee
and glance at the clock
I realize it took 15 minutes
to make one cup
of my morning elixir.
Not a pot,
just one cup.
The Keurig is dying
and I stand at it's side brewing 2 ounces at a time
4 times
I'm being patient and babying a faulty machine.

It occurred to me
how willing I am to wait
for a full cup of coffee
that I will sit with and enjoy
during my morning quiet
and how impatient I can be
with God
over the things and people
I have committed to Him.

His timing is perfect.
His gifts
worth the wait.
His promises are true
and delightful
"good to the last drop".

Sometimes
I'm worse than impatient with God
Sometimes
I become ambivalent
I pull back my heart
and become cold
not caring about
what I long for.
"To hell with it!"
I think when anger takes over
convicted that
"it" is really "them"
whom I adore.

Hope hurts.
Love hurts.
Being vulnerable hurts.
Ambivalence
brings a "deceitful" relief.
Yet,
even to write that,
I had to cross out "refreshing".
that's the lie,
the lure,
the temptation,
that I would somehow
be refreshed
and it would hurt less
if I didn't care.
Just lower the bar
and hope for less.

"Don't wear your heart on your sleeve!"
I heard this even as a girl.
"Soft hearts get hurt!"

I imagine if Jesus loved me less,
He may not suffer as much
(when I fail Him.)
A little less love for Peter
and his denial may have stung less.
If Jesus loved His mother and brothers less,
their thinking He was insane
(to go with out food)
may have hurt less.
Less love for Lazarus
may have saved His tears
as His heart broke
with those who mourned.

Yes,
loving less
may save so much pain.
Yet,
ambivalence
seems such a deceitful remedy.
"To hell with them"
was never Jesus response.
"Father, forgive them,
they know not what they do"
was His prayer.
Teaching us to consider the One who suffered
at the hands of sinful men,
so we would not grow weary
and lose heart.

I like that picture of Jesus
wearing His heart on His sleeve
I imagine all touched by Him
knew they were loved.
But how vulnerable
and exposed one would be.
Even Jesus
"knowing what was in the heart of a man"
did not give himself fully to His disciples.

So Father,
teach me this measure of protection
this holding back
to the degree you desire.
You hold the most holy affection of my heart
and shield me
to the measure you desire.

Help me to remain hopeful
even when I see no answer coming soon.
Help me to trust you
more than my
imperfect salvation barometer.

Surely you will keep
all I have committed to you.
and bring about your perfect will
in your perfect timing
surely
all your plans are worth waiting for
and surely
all my waiting moment
are in your hands.

All the resources of Heaven
available for me now
for my grieving moments
for my peace and hope
to believe
beyond what I see.

Lord if my willingly being hurt
by staying hopeful and full of love
is your way
this is a small gift
and like my crown in heaven
I lay it at your feet
in surrender and worship
for Your great love,
mercy,
patience,
and grace
poured out so abundantly on me.
I surrender all,
even my tears
and my vow
to love
as you love
with out condition or impatience.

Help me Lord
Help me Holy Spirit
Help me Father.

Your heart is an open book for all to read.
Some may come to the pages and feel convicted
slamming it shut
others may come with wounds so deep
they will fear the suave
and walk away.
Others will stay,
pull up a chair
and sit a while.
Enjoying the story.
Enjoying the melodious words.
Each a brush stroke written by love
Rest always,
I the Author and finisher of your faith
am near.

It will help you endure the rejection.
It's Me they despise and fear,
you are caught in the crossfire at times.
but there's no better place
to intercede from
than the battle field
with those you love.
Moses did this for the Israelites,
Ester did this for the Jews,
Jesus did this for the sinners
He ate lunch with
to the dismay of the self-righteous.
Walk where I lead you
and don't fear judgment
Only my judgments matter
in the grand scheme of things.
Rest
Your story
brings Me glory.

c Kim Damon 2013