2022 was hard.

 2022 was hard.

As I look back,

this was not my hardest year,

but so many hard things happened,

I owe it to myself to say

this was hard

I don't mean to complain.

I actually am not fond of complaining,

not from others,

not from self.

Still,

how do you know

how miraculous the sustaining,

how do you know how costly the rescue,

if you do not know how difficult 

the preceding events?

When I had my presbytery,

it was so glorious,

so so encouraging and uplifting,

I thought it was imperative that I explain

the context,

the need for these words.

The prophets gave me medicine 

by their visions and scriptures,

and I had been struggling in silence.

So I shared about the spinal cord tumor,

and the clumsy, painful weakness 

that preceded their words.

I found myself surrounded by my loving church family;

prayed for by so many.

I was humbled by gifts and cards 

and words of encouragement

as well as the Lord

(daily)

giving me strength for each moment.

and words,

for each frustrating new limitation.

and then meds 

which clouded my mind a bit 

but managed the pain.

And then my dad died.

And then my dog died.

And it was hard.

So I said to God:

"You gave me those comforts to sooth my soul,

I need you to comfort me by your own hand now"

And of coarse God,

being God,

did.

So in answer to hard,

God increased his personal help to me.

And then I had a month of breathing trouble.

If I say it was easier not to inhale,

and that I rested in the peace of surrender 

with each breath,

that would describe the (yet undiagnosed)

sarcoidosis that had swelled the lymph nodes in my lungs.

And God helped me more.

He helped me to be at peace (again) with dyeing.

I am as ok about being here 

as I am about being with the Lord in Heaven.

which only sounds dark,

if you have not wrestled with mortality,

and been healed from fear.

OK, 2022 was hard.

But it was also full of love.

I said to the Lord 

(I'm sorry to admit)

"If I had no self love,

I'd have no love at all!"

Then the Lord showed me in a thousand ways

(after immediately saying sorry)

Just how much love he has showered over me

through humans.

I think that's my problem with complaining,

when you state the negative thought in your head,

you rob yourself (and others)

of seeing all the miraculous things 

that buffet us and buoy us up 

in the sea of our trial.

When teaching a class once

the Lord spoke words out of my mouth that I love.

"I am not a victim,

I am an object of Christ's affection".

And that is what I choose to focus on.

and by this, my mind and heart are guarded

by Christ.

As I look to 2023,

I just want to do better.

I have no grand goals.

Just (please Lord)

help me do better.

My weaknesses are more clear to me now than ever.

I think when we are physically weak,

we are less emotionally patient.

And I don't like the words I ear myself speak,

or the judgments I mentally make,

or the conversations of mean things 

my mind says:

"I should have said."

Oh God,

clean the inside of this vessel.

And fill me with more of You.

It was after you had been beaten

and after you had been spit upon and mauked

it was after you had been betrayed and slandered

that You said:

"Father forgive them,

they know not what they do."

I want to be like Christ

(unoffendable)

I want to be better at remaining silent

until I have the words of the Father.

I want to be better at laying my life down for my friends,

better at washing feet,

better at being humble

and submissive and kind 

in word 

and deed 

and thought,

in 2023

Forgive me, I was asleep at the wheel. [and other terrifying excuses]

 Forgive me, I was asleep at the wheel.

[and other terrifying excuses]

Like,

I'm sorry, I have cancer brain.

honestly, I don't play the cancer card very often

and being asleep at the wheel would mean I crashed my car.

I have actually fallen asleep at the wheel before

but thank goodness,

woke right up!

I've heard "I had a senior moment",

and that's more accurate,

but I'm only 54

so I don't really think of myself as a senior.

There are more young folks in my friend group than ever before,

but I just thought that meant I was hip

(I am immediately aware this word dates me).

I did so love the 90's,

but I wouldn't go back if you paid me!

It's not that there weren't a few moments

I wish I had done better,

but God's grace helps me forgive myself,

and I try to apologize to the humans involved

if it seems important for their (or my) healing.

Sorry I digress,

When the bottom of the To-do list,

grows faster than the top is accomplished,

it would be easy for a few things

to drop through the cracks of the day.

I think that's what actually happened

the day I didn't do the thing, I said I'd do.

This does happen more now

than in past years,

or maybe I have forgotten

about all the times it happened before.

At any rate,

I have found the best way to make up for my failings,

is to repent, and try to make amends.

It's actually important (to me)

to keep my word,

so

"better late than never" if I'm honest that is plan B,

sounds contrite and

I'd rather be on time, but if not,

I will humbly show up late

and bring flowers.

And this,

is my preverbial bouquet.

Did you ever wish?

 Did you ever sit there

and just wish.

Wish there was a plain

simple text

Something that could give

guidance when perplexed,

encouragement,

when down cast,

inspiration,

when stagnating

strength,

when worn out,

the key,

to open untold mysteries,

and the goal,

for every best life lived

A guide 

for our wandering lives.

A caution

for imminent danger.

Did you ever wish 

for the perfect prayer?

I found it.

Psalm 19

The heavens proclaim the glory of God.

The skies display his craftmanship.

Day after day they continue to speak;

night after night they make him known.

They speak without a sound or word;

their voice is never heard.

Yet their message has gone throughout the earth,

and their words to all the world.

God has made a home in the heavens for the sun.

It bursts forth like a radiant bridegroom after his wedding.

It rejoices like a great athlete

eager to run the race.

The sun rises at one end of the heavens

and follows it's course to the other end.

Nothing can hide from it's heat.

The instructions of the LORD are perfect, 

reviving the soul.

The decrees of the LORD are trustworthy,

making wise the simple.

The commandments of the LORD are right,

bringing joy to the heart.

The commands of the LORD are clear,

giving insight for living.

Reverence for the LORD is pure,

lasting forever.

The laws of the LORD are true;

each one is fair.

They are more desirable than gold,

even the finest god.

They are sweeter than honey,

even honey dripping from the comb.

They are a warning to your servant,

a great reward for those who obey them.

How can I know all the sins lurking in my heart?

Cleanse me from these hidden faults.

Keep your servant from deliberate sins!

Don't let them control me.

Then I will be free of guilt 

and innocent of great sin.

May the words of my mouth 

and the meditations of my heart

be pleasing to you,

O LORD, my rock and my redeemer.

A dark thought

Could I share a dark thought

that really helped me?

Like usually,

I can't say dark things 

without making those I love sad,

but I feel like you guys will get it.

OK, here goes:

I was reading survival rates and side effects of the surgery(s)

that lie in front of me,

and I thought

(as I wrestle to get up off my recliner

because my back hurts)

what if this is the best I will feel this year?

Even though this season is making me weak,

what if this is the most strong I will be

for the foreseeable future?

Well,

it helped me want to get up.

And put my house in order,

and write letters

and say what should be said...

and I thought you guys would get it,

and maybe that would help someone else

as well.

Also, taking baby steps,

and being kind to myself

when I need to rest.

Seize the day,

and God grant you peace,

my dear friends! 

xoxo

If Left To Myself

If left to myself
I'd sit in the quiet for a bit.

I love quiet.

I'd check my messages,
and be captivated by some video's charm,
Then, (suddenly)

I'd look up
and find far too many minutes had passed.

If left to myself,

I would allow cravings
to guide me
Food, shopping, alcohol, entertainment, art...

As I made the list
there was both conviction
and also freedom,
with the knowledge that none of these items are sin
(in and of themselves).

But if left to myself,

I have very little restraint
when it comes to feeding my cravings.

In fact, 

my only restraint comes from a surprising place.
It's not out of a fear
of reprisal or punishment.
My greatest self control
comes from the freedom given me
to choose.

And I already choose... 

God's love.

The love of God 

(so) compels me,
by His generous gifts
of grace,
and mercy,
and forgiveness,
that the thought of grieving
the heart of this
All loving, and sacrificing,
All patient, all cleansing,
All compassionate, all powerful,
Almighty, God,

melts me.

Left to myself,
I know I would ruin it all!

But I have surrendered
my everything
to that All loving God,
and in turn,
his benefits wrap around me,
and give me greater pleasures
than my flesh can dream of.

My sight is filled
with wonder and awe,
as I sit (eyes closed)
tears welling up behind my lids,
in the presence of God.

He actually doesn't leave me
to myself.
He promised me,
he would never leave me
or forsake me.

Yes,

he makes that promise to everyone,
but He made that promise to me.

To me!

I have been set free from fear,
because he said he'd help me.
he'd never leave me.

Jesus said he wouldn't lose any
who had been given to him.
He won't lose me.

I will be made perfect.
God said he would finish what he started in me.
When I don't know
if I have what it will take 

to get to the end,

I remember:
I'm His.

If I lose everything,
this earth dangles in front of me 

(as a treasure),
I have lost nothing,

because God said,

I have stored up my treasure 

in Heaven.

If left to myself,

my only hope is a brief guilty pleasure,
and the consequences of sin (death).

But thanks and praise be to God,
who delivers me 

(through Jesus Christ our Lord).
So then, I myself in my mind
am a slave to God's law,
but in my sinful nature
a slave to the law of sin.

Maybe that's why Christ
by his sacrifice condemns sin.
(I don't get how he can isolate sin),
that is in me,
and pass judgment 

(condemnation),
on the sin,

but not on me, somehow,
he condemns the sin,
and sanctifies me.

Like a surgeon who goes inside,
and finds death,
and cuts it out,
and goes down deeper,
and find wounds,
and corruption,
and generational weakness,
and harbored bitterness
and unhealed deep injuries,
and does his unknowable searching,
and then brings healing and forgiveness,
and regenerates new life,
and gives new abilities and strengths,
and wisdom and power.

All, by this Almighty God.

So when fear whispers:
"I could ruin it all!"

God's promise (to me) reminds me,
"I will never leave you or forsake you"
"I will help you"
"I will finish what I started in you."

And I find peace,
and more,
I'm carried to a place,

where I am sitting at the side of God,
sometimes I'm on the floor at his feet
sometimes I'm sitting on the fathers lap
(with my head on his chest)

And somehow I'm still here,
and I feel the tears streaming down
and feel his loving presence
(filling and showering over me)

in light
and wrapped all around me.

If left to myself,

God is with me.

Shalom.

c. Kim Damon 2/24/22

I like to shop on my phone

 I like to shop on my phone

I like to have a glass of bourbon 

at night to relax.

I love to drink diet energy drinks.

And I’d like to spend all day

Everyday

Making art.

These are things I crave,

Things that take my time,

And things that are mostly 

Not healthy for me

And have nothing to do with heaven.

Ok, well the art thing is almost exclusively 

For charity right now,

To help the homeless, indigenous,

And those in Ghana

But I don’t have good balance.

So even my best, can be broken.

If I had my way,

These things would (selfishly)

be all that I am.

[that’s messed up]

Those things are not sin,

They are not my enemies,

They are not the devil.

But if I let them,

They would consume me.

I also love (and long for)

quiet

I love to listen to God

And write what I hear.

I love to sit with friends 

And give them comfort and guidance.

I love to teach,

I love to worship in song,

I love to cry prayers for those who are hurting.

I also love to have tears overtake me in the presence of the Lord. 

It’s cleansing.

It’s humbling.

And if you see it,

Know, God is near me

and I feel him.

I love to talk about God.

And how he helps me.

He helps me so much.

I would not be alive if he did not.

Also, 

God is my favorite.

This invisible 

(all sustaining)

(All powerful)

(All knowing)

One,

is my air 

and my heartbeat 

and my joy 

and my tears 

and my peace 

and the best parts of me.

And for him,

I wish to do better.

I don’t deserve this life,

my family and friends.

And I could (as easily)

Been born on the streets,

Or in a war torn place,

Or to a drug addict.

But he put me here,

And lavished his goodness on me,

And I don’t want to take for granted 

the gifts he’s given 

or be ruled by my passions.

I want to serve him.

And live worthy of my calling.

I am a child of the living God.

I do not need 50 watches, 

or 30 pairs of (really cool) shoes.

God, forgive me.

Help me give more.

Serve more.

Love more.

Obey faster,

All the days you lend me breath.

Amen